by Mike Marino, PhD

One of the hard parts of life is embracing the reality that we do not know what’s going to happen in the future.  Trying to control the outcome of future events, to prevent the bad things from happening, is an exercise in fruitless and energy-sapping worry.  Seeking to control the future often grinds us to a halt in the present.  The truth is, sometimes we do all the right things and still don’t get the results we want.  Sometimes we do none of the right things and still get a good result.  Now, it’s not as if life is a random crap shoot, generally good decisions in the present have good results in the future, but not always.

My point is, because we have no certain knowledge of the future, the only thing we can reasonably control is our actions and attitudes toward what is right in front of us.  Dealing with what is happening in the present firmly plants our hearts and souls in reality.  As someone once said, “You can argue with reality and you lose – but only 100% of the time.”  Spending too much focus on past events, (which not even God can change), or trying to predict the future, (which only God knows), only serves to paralyze us in the present.  Your life, family and future will be better if you just do what’s in front of you, and stay in the now.  I sometimes use the word N.O.W. as an acronym for the path to living a life of greater peace, purpose and fulfillment…

N – Need

What do you really need in life?  If you need anything too much … your spouse, your job, your hobby, money, food, etc. – it tends to own you.  In relationships and life, an unhealthy over-dependence rarely has good results.  If you find yourself saying or thinking, “I couldn’t live without (him, her, chocolate, this house, etc.)” you are setting the stage for a life filled with disappointment and unrealized potential.  In counseling situations I often hear, “He (or she) completes me.”  In theory that sounds good.  In reality it rarely ends well. 

Depending on someone or some thing to complete you, automatically puts you in a “one-down” position.  The best marriages and relationships involve two whole people, with vibrant and functional lives, who come together to compliment and intersect with each other - not to complete each other.  Looking at what you truly need and considering if you’re navigating life from a “too-needy" stance, will empower you to discover who you truly are and move toward the passion and purpose you were created for.

O – Others  

Living life in the now is best done in the context of a healthy community and people-focused service.  Many times we find ourselves so handcuffed by the past, or frozen by the future, that we don’t seize the moment to enjoy the people right in front of us.  Have you no time or energy to hug your kids, kiss your spouse, encourage a friend or reach out in compassion and love?  Then you’re not truly living.  On this very day you’ll likely have the opportunity to be kind to someone, to share your life with them and, perhaps most importantly, treat them like you would want to be treated.  Modeling that behavior and living that life will leave an incredible legacy.  A legacy of love, peace, kindness, gentleness and self-control that will stretch its arms to future generations and eternal reward.

W – Why/What? 

When embracing a life lived well in the present it is common to ponder why certain things or circumstances are part of your life.  The “why?” question is bit of a double-edged sword.  On the good side, considering why you got to where you are helps you understand it.  Knowledge is a good thing; it keeps you from making the same mistakes and empowers you to do the things that worked well.

However, the “why?” question can become a toxic rumination on the unexplainable.  For all of time man has wrestled with the query of why bad things happen to good people.  From a theological view, the answer that we live in a broken world, where there is good and evil, provides little solace in the moment.  The fact is, the only plausible answer is that we simply do not know the answer.  Some things are beyond the scope of our finite, human understanding.  But we do know this for certain – there are some good things that only suffering can bring.  Those good things don’t make the bad any less bad, they simply co-exist.  Things like wisdom, maturity, patience, courage, character, perseverance and an ability to truly understand other people’s pain … all well-birthed in our deepest sorrow. 

So, perhaps the better question than “why?” is “what?”  What can I do with what’s right in front of me and, more importantly, what’s the lesson to learn from it?  Focusing on what you can do will prevent you from building an insurmountable stack of what you can’t.  Immediate, focused action concerning what’s right in front of you will help get you unstuck.  Also, it's liberating to pause and consider, "what's the lesson from this moment?"  In a true sense, your life is like a schoolhouse.  Ask any mega-successful person and they will tell you that their great learning and successes were forged in the classroom of failure.  Take your focus off the why and look for the lessons in whatever you’re experiencing right now.  They will pave the way for a vibrant reason for living and a hope for the future grounded in confident expectation.